Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Baby did a bad bad thing

I've been giving her chance after chance to tell me the truth, to finally admit she wants to see other people. Deny deny deny.... She's scared, doesn't want to loose me but that's just the consequences that factor in to making those decisions. It's part of being an adult, you can't just make selfish choices because you want what you want when you want it, but then want to go back to everything the way it was. Sorry, but life just doesn't work that way.....

I've asked the same questions over and over, questions I already know the answer to.... not because I've assumed it or because he said she said, but because I've seen it in her own words to other people. Just remember every time you text someone you're relying on them deleting their inbox at some point to keep your secret secret.... a lot of people I know have phones that can hold thousands of messages, and break it into conversations so you can easily access the correspondence between them and one specific person.

I know it's not honorable of me to have picked up her phone and read the messages because I wanted proof I was being lied to... but it was the only way I knew how to get the answers I needed without putting my friend in the position of having to tell her truth for her and burn a bridge. And I wasn't getting anywhere with her, just more snow white pilings of one lie on top the next.

She's not a bad person... she just makes very poor impulse driven decisions that end up costing her everything she says she wants long term. Some people just can't control their "now" reflex. We as a society have such huge impulse control issues....

I think it's because I understand her position that I'm so forgiving of her lies.... I know her intentions are not to deceive but to keep me from hurting, mixed with a dose of youth and desire to be free and unrestricted. However I would rather have the truth, pain or not, than hold on to something I need to let go.

She wants her safety net, the security of me so that when this all blows up in her face she will still have her best friend and her amazing gf... what she's not thinking about is that what's burning our bridge isn't her wanting to date, it's her sugar coated white lies that will pour the cold water of reality over what embers were left in camp. I don't want to be around someone I can't trust, there's just no point.

Yet with all that said... something in me is still heartbroken and waiting... but I guess that all comes with the territory and I will figure out a way to break the last shreds of delicate fabric binding me to her and walk away from this all more experienced and one day... happy. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me.... we shall see.

No comments:

Post a Comment