Our last song

"The Last Song I'm Wasting On You"

Sparkling grey,
They're my own veins.
Any more than a whisper,
Any sudden movement of my heart.

And I know,
I know I'll have to watch them pass away
Just get through this day

Give up your way, you could be anything,
Give up my way, and lose myself,
not today
That's too much guilt to pay

Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die

Honey you know,
you know
I'd never hurt you that way

You're just so pretty in your pain

Give up my way,
and I could be anything
I'll make my own way

Without your senseless hate... hate... hate... hate.

So run, run, runAnd hate me,
if it feels good.
I can't hear your screams anymore
You lied to me

But I'm older now
And I'm not buying baby
Demanding my response
Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out

And you'll never hurt me again.

Cat n Mouse

Softly we tremble tonight,
picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight,
I said I'd never leave,
you'll never change
I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life.

Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.

Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.

You said,
you said that you would die for me...
We made plans to grow old,
believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game cat and mouse,
Are we the same people as before this came to light?

Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

You said,
you said that you would die for me...
You must live for me too'...
For me too...

You said that you would die for me...
Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted,
it comes with a price

You said, you said that you would die for me...
You said that you would die for me
You said that you would die for me
You said that you would die for me

Clumsy on the Wall

Alexandra Slate- Clumsy on the Wall

Play your records on my tv set
wrote me letters on the phone
well I drank a thousand miles of highway
just have you fly me home

and I don't mind being this way
so I stay clumsy on the wall
I thought a million words I could say
but I knew you'd heard them all

and I know that you're using my time
sittin back in your good life
I'd rather not
but I'm
loosing my mind
and I
cant get out

I wont forgive myself for this one
I could've grabbed a little less
I waited patient for an hour
just to let my heart
rest

and I don't mind being this way
so I stay clumsy on the wall

and I know that you're using my time
sittin back in your good life
I'd rather not
but I'm
loosing my mind
and I
cant get out

and I know that you're using my time
sittin back in your good life
I'd rather not
but I'm
loosing my mind
and I know that you're using my time
sittin back in your good life
I'd rather not
but I'm
loosing my mind
and I
can't get out

Alexandra Slate

A little known artist named Alexandra slate... If you look her up most places only have the lyrics to one or maybe two of her songs. She's most known for a song she had on the Tomb Raider soundtrack called Bad Girl. That's where I fell in love with her voice, after much searching I found a copy of the only CD she's ever produced called Edge of a Girl, but there are so many of her songs that hit you right in the soft spot like this one called "Blinding the Universe" , I found her on Amazon.com, def worth looking up.

Blinding the Universe

What about her
What about his life
How bout every last one of the hurt
What would I say

You have let me down
I can't help but blame you for this ...curse
drowning in your world

you are
blinding the universe
and I still can't see
when you're
blinding the universe

Let me think through...this
let me have some time to myself
well it could be so damn easy without you
yet I can't seem to find someone else

You have let me down
I can't help but blame you for this ...curse
drowning in your world

you are
blinding the universe
and I still can't see
when you're
blinding the universe

You have let me down
I can't help but blame you for this ...curse
drowning in your world

you are
blinding the universe
and I still can't see
when you're
blinding the universe

Die Awake

When all of your walls
Fall to the ground
And the prettiest one
Makes its way around

Well don’t make a fool of yourself
Don’t be afraid to try something else
Cuz I saw it coming
You should’ve known

And I hope
That the madness stays
And I hope
That I die awake

Facing the need that I’m bound to
Stand on the feet that I want to
Facing the need that I’m bound to

Well taste a memory
Breath on my face
Sinking in honey
Holding your place

Well don’t make a fool of yourself
Don’t be afraid to try something else
Cuz I saw it coming
You should’ve known

And I hope that I die awake
Facing the need that I’m bound to
Stand on the feet that I want to
Facing the need that I’m bound to

And I hope
That I die awake

Well don’t make a fool of yourself
Don’t be afraid to try something else

And I hope that I die awake
And I hope that I die awake
Facing the need that I’m bound to
Stand on the feet that I want to
Facing the need that I’m bound to
Holding the greed that surrounds you

Bad Girl by Alexandra Slate

So I picked one up the other day
does that mean I'm a bad girl?
And if i take of all my clothes?
Well that makes me a bad girl

What if life itself goes to shit?
now that i've been pushed around
Well tell me something I don't know
'cause I've held off way too long now

And its not the way you hold me,
hold me responsible
I'm not who you think I am
Have I fooled the whole world?
Nobody knows
I'm a very,
very bad girl
(yeah i'm a bad girl)

So I wrote this song for sanity
and it tells me I'm naive
but if she heard this melody
she'd see me off with ease

And it's not the way you hold me
hold me responsible
I'm not who you think I am
Have I fooled the whole world?
Nobody knows (no oh) nobody knows
I'm a very, very bad girl(Oh I'm a bad girl)

And its not the way you hold me,
hold me responsible
I'm not who you think I am
Have I fooled the whole world?
Nobody knows, (no oh) nobody knows
Well theres no point in you believing,
I'm a saint when I'm deceiving
everybody thinks I'm someone else

I'm a very, very bad girl
Oh I'm a bad girl
I'm a bad girl
I'm a very, very bad girl.....

The Best of You

I really like this song, It tells a lot of how we can understand a persons view and also be bitter at the same time for the choices they make. While the emotions may conflict they coexist in what ends up being a chaos of abstract harmonies......

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use

I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I'll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose

I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in, I refuse
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Baby did a bad bad thing

I've been giving her chance after chance to tell me the truth, to finally admit she wants to see other people. Deny deny deny.... She's scared, doesn't want to loose me but that's just the consequences that factor in to making those decisions. It's part of being an adult, you can't just make selfish choices because you want what you want when you want it, but then want to go back to everything the way it was. Sorry, but life just doesn't work that way.....

I've asked the same questions over and over, questions I already know the answer to.... not because I've assumed it or because he said she said, but because I've seen it in her own words to other people. Just remember every time you text someone you're relying on them deleting their inbox at some point to keep your secret secret.... a lot of people I know have phones that can hold thousands of messages, and break it into conversations so you can easily access the correspondence between them and one specific person.

I know it's not honorable of me to have picked up her phone and read the messages because I wanted proof I was being lied to... but it was the only way I knew how to get the answers I needed without putting my friend in the position of having to tell her truth for her and burn a bridge. And I wasn't getting anywhere with her, just more snow white pilings of one lie on top the next.

She's not a bad person... she just makes very poor impulse driven decisions that end up costing her everything she says she wants long term. Some people just can't control their "now" reflex. We as a society have such huge impulse control issues....

I think it's because I understand her position that I'm so forgiving of her lies.... I know her intentions are not to deceive but to keep me from hurting, mixed with a dose of youth and desire to be free and unrestricted. However I would rather have the truth, pain or not, than hold on to something I need to let go.

She wants her safety net, the security of me so that when this all blows up in her face she will still have her best friend and her amazing gf... what she's not thinking about is that what's burning our bridge isn't her wanting to date, it's her sugar coated white lies that will pour the cold water of reality over what embers were left in camp. I don't want to be around someone I can't trust, there's just no point.

Yet with all that said... something in me is still heartbroken and waiting... but I guess that all comes with the territory and I will figure out a way to break the last shreds of delicate fabric binding me to her and walk away from this all more experienced and one day... happy. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me.... we shall see.

Say Hello to High and Dry

Pitter patter

doesn't matter

Little feet and darkened streets

Where you go and where you've been

circles round and round again

Check and Mate

Oh how your square's gone straight

your sound is bound and chained to ground

same old story becomes so boring

We love so much deeper

so true to our keepers

in silent single files

waiting all the while

In faith and in hiding

sands dripping time abiding

making markers tags on skin

close the door then let me in

Push and pull dried and crumbled

life losses, loves little fumbles

cry your way to higher ground

in your tears you've begin to drown

Some will be broken broken

some will be bruised

mostly we are all simply confused

with no way out, no way in

circles round and round again

Plenty

I looked into your eyes
They told me plenty
I already knew
You never felt a thing
So soon forgotten all that you do

In more than words I
Tried to tell you
The more I tried I failed

I would not let myself believe
That you might stray
And I would stand by you
No matter what they'd say
I would have thought I'd be with you

Until my dying day
Until my dying day

I used to think my life
Was often empty
A lonely space to fill

You hurt me more than
I ever would have imagined
You made my world stand still
And in that stillness
There was a freedom
I never felt before

I would not let myself believe
That you might stray
And I would stand by you
No matter what they'd say
I would have thought
I'd be with you

Until my dying day
Until my dying day

Snow Patrol is my mojo this week

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Terms

What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love....

And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...

And I have the sense to recognize that
I dont know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
Im ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize
That I dont know how
To let you go
I dont know how
To let you go

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within Im shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you

I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize that

I dont know how to let you go

I dont know how to let you go

I dont know how to let you go

We are all faulted

I knew you wanted to tell me
In your voice there was something wrong
But if you would turn your face away from me
You cannot tell me you're so strong

Just let me ask of you one small thing
As we have shared so many tears
With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long
Now are scattered on the wind...

In the terms of endearment
In the terms of the life that you love
In the terms of the years that pass you by
In the terms of the reasons why

Through the years I've grown to love you
Though your commitment to most would offend
But I stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride
Waiting for you to give in...

You never really tried or so it seems
I've had more than myself to blame
I've had enough of trying everything
And this time it is the end...

There's no more coming back this way
The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They've torn the life-blood from your naked eyes
Cast aside to be forlorn...

Funny, how it seems that all I've tried to do
Seemed to make no difference to you at all...

In the End we all fall to ashes

I find the map and draw a straight line
over rivers farms and state lines
the distance from me to where'd you'd be
its only finger lengths that I see

I touch the place
where I'd find your face
my fingers in creases
of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
there is no peace that I've found so far the laughter penetrates my silence
as drunken men find flaws in solace
there words mostly noises
ghosts with just voices
your words in my memory
are like music to me

and miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground, I
I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your
warm arms

after all I've traveled so far
we've set the fire to the third bar
we reach each other like an island
until exhausted close our eyelids
and dreaming with god of
the last place we left off
your soft skin is weeping
a joy you can't keep in

and miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
and I
I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

and miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
and I
I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I got dumped in a parking lot.....

I told her I needed more affection, that I was lonely. That all I wanted was her, I wanted her to notice me and feel like I feel, like you're suffocating without them. Like they're you're comfort and solace from all the day has thrown at you.

So I tell her all of this with tears streaming down my face and she says to me that she can't do that. That I'm getting all she can offer with everything else going on in her life and if I need more attention then "go find it from someone else". After that it was "I could give you a million dollars and you would say its the wrong color of green, you're impossible to please, nothing I ever do is good enough for you .... " and so on , and on, and on.....

I didn't really think asking for someone to kiss me and hold my hand before I have to ask for it was being impossible.... I see other couples who act so in love, and then there's us. She just stands next to me like my buddy, like we haven't been together for 3 years and through so much.....

I'm devastated....I guess I just got dumped in a bar parking lot, unless "go find it from someone else" is some secret girl code for I love you and can't live without you. If so, could I borrow some one's decoder ring ?

Stealing from the poor

As a general rule I'm not a fan of banks, as good as I am at math they always find a way to cost you money. Free checking accounts are hardly free when you go over by a penny and get a $35.00 NSF fee.

Today though, I'm pissed. I'm so pissed I'm going to talk to a lawyer today about starting a class action against Bank of America for their standards and practices being geared towards ripping people off.

Now you don't just get an NSF when you overdraw your account, you also get one if you have a pending charge that MAY overdraw it. So say you have 10.00 in your account, buy some munchies at Taco Bell for 10.01 and realize, "oh crap!, I better go deposit some money!". So you drive covered in taco remains like mario andretti to the bank. You arrive a mere 5 minutes after the purchase to put your penny in the account. Wiping the sweat from your brow (not sure if that was the volcano taco or almost sliding into a semi) you take a deep breath and feel a penny's worth of relief that you have escaped the fee and can have another day of Taco Bell in safety.

So much for relying on what would seem to be common cents. NO SOUP FOR YOU! you have already been assessed your NSF fee before you were even out of the drive through. Now you might be saying, well you shouldn't have cut it so close, or, you should've put a taco back ! WEll my friends that is only one of the many ways they have devised to take what you worked all week for. They will also assess it if the transaction is just pending, like if you rent a video game at Blockbuster and they put a hold on the money in your account but don't actually charge it if they get the game back on time. Well while that money is on hold you're getting hit with NSF's for anything else you did in the meantime plus the game rental even though that money will never be taken out of the account.

oh and one more thing, when you write a check out of your bill pay, they go ahead and take that too even though the check hasn't been cashed yet. Yeah, just because it's the standard practice doesn't make it right or legal, just sounds like corporate stealing to me. Who's coming with me?!?!?

UPDATE: I have a consultation with a lawyer to file a class action, anyone who wants in let me know :)

Ode to doughnuts....

Oh frosted chocolate goodness, how I love thee, let me count the ways..... A friend of mine wrote a bog on her obsession with comfort food and the huge weight of guilt (and pounds) that ensues shortly after the all too short bliss of indulgence. It was inspiring to know that I'm not the only one who struggles so hard with the battle between gratification and the path less decadent....

My adoration of food goes far beyond the conventional, straight into all out stalking obsession with it. You ever seen a person stalk a french fry ? Hang out with me sometime.

What's that you say ? Do I realize I'm simply trying to use food to fill a void in my life, that somewhere deep in my soul I'm a food-aholic? Yep. I'm not in denial, my thighs exploding from a size 6 to a 12 hardly leave room for breathing let alone trying to hide the truth.

Compounding the problem? I'm lazy. Maybe it's the extra weight that keeps me so tired, or the depression from when I neatly packed up my self esteem and left it in a Taco Bell. Either way I have the motivation of million year old glacier. It seems the more I try to tell myself I can't eat that crap, the more I want it, until I find myself waking up in the night with the taste of chocolate doughnuts still on my tongue swatting at the sugar plum fairies swirling my head.

So here I go again, I'm eating better-ish and since I'm back in the office I've joined the gym to start working out. It's not like I'm huge, I'm an average sized girl, and I'm totally ok with the fact that I'm never going to be Paris Hilton (vomit) but I don't feel healthy, I have no energy anymore, and it would be nice to wear something besides a tshirt and board shorts to swim in.

I'm lucky enough to have a gf who could care less about my weight, in fact, I think she likes me a little chunky since my chest overfloweth. Victoria can't even keep those things secret anymore. But I would like to be able to fit into my old work clothes again, and keep up with my daughter who can just about out run me (in my defense it's not all weight, I run like a baby giraffe with a gimp leg too) and most of all I'm tired of being tired.

So raise a cup of V-8 and lets toast to me trying to get on the healthy bandwagon and not fall off every time it passes a Taco Bell.