In the End we all fall to ashes

I find the map and draw a straight line
over rivers farms and state lines
the distance from me to where'd you'd be
its only finger lengths that I see

I touch the place
where I'd find your face
my fingers in creases
of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
there is no peace that I've found so far the laughter penetrates my silence
as drunken men find flaws in solace
there words mostly noises
ghosts with just voices
your words in my memory
are like music to me

and miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground, I
I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your
warm arms

after all I've traveled so far
we've set the fire to the third bar
we reach each other like an island
until exhausted close our eyelids
and dreaming with god of
the last place we left off
your soft skin is weeping
a joy you can't keep in

and miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
and I
I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

and miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
and I
I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I got dumped in a parking lot.....

I told her I needed more affection, that I was lonely. That all I wanted was her, I wanted her to notice me and feel like I feel, like you're suffocating without them. Like they're you're comfort and solace from all the day has thrown at you.

So I tell her all of this with tears streaming down my face and she says to me that she can't do that. That I'm getting all she can offer with everything else going on in her life and if I need more attention then "go find it from someone else". After that it was "I could give you a million dollars and you would say its the wrong color of green, you're impossible to please, nothing I ever do is good enough for you .... " and so on , and on, and on.....

I didn't really think asking for someone to kiss me and hold my hand before I have to ask for it was being impossible.... I see other couples who act so in love, and then there's us. She just stands next to me like my buddy, like we haven't been together for 3 years and through so much.....

I'm devastated....I guess I just got dumped in a bar parking lot, unless "go find it from someone else" is some secret girl code for I love you and can't live without you. If so, could I borrow some one's decoder ring ?

Stealing from the poor

As a general rule I'm not a fan of banks, as good as I am at math they always find a way to cost you money. Free checking accounts are hardly free when you go over by a penny and get a $35.00 NSF fee.

Today though, I'm pissed. I'm so pissed I'm going to talk to a lawyer today about starting a class action against Bank of America for their standards and practices being geared towards ripping people off.

Now you don't just get an NSF when you overdraw your account, you also get one if you have a pending charge that MAY overdraw it. So say you have 10.00 in your account, buy some munchies at Taco Bell for 10.01 and realize, "oh crap!, I better go deposit some money!". So you drive covered in taco remains like mario andretti to the bank. You arrive a mere 5 minutes after the purchase to put your penny in the account. Wiping the sweat from your brow (not sure if that was the volcano taco or almost sliding into a semi) you take a deep breath and feel a penny's worth of relief that you have escaped the fee and can have another day of Taco Bell in safety.

So much for relying on what would seem to be common cents. NO SOUP FOR YOU! you have already been assessed your NSF fee before you were even out of the drive through. Now you might be saying, well you shouldn't have cut it so close, or, you should've put a taco back ! WEll my friends that is only one of the many ways they have devised to take what you worked all week for. They will also assess it if the transaction is just pending, like if you rent a video game at Blockbuster and they put a hold on the money in your account but don't actually charge it if they get the game back on time. Well while that money is on hold you're getting hit with NSF's for anything else you did in the meantime plus the game rental even though that money will never be taken out of the account.

oh and one more thing, when you write a check out of your bill pay, they go ahead and take that too even though the check hasn't been cashed yet. Yeah, just because it's the standard practice doesn't make it right or legal, just sounds like corporate stealing to me. Who's coming with me?!?!?

UPDATE: I have a consultation with a lawyer to file a class action, anyone who wants in let me know :)

Ode to doughnuts....

Oh frosted chocolate goodness, how I love thee, let me count the ways..... A friend of mine wrote a bog on her obsession with comfort food and the huge weight of guilt (and pounds) that ensues shortly after the all too short bliss of indulgence. It was inspiring to know that I'm not the only one who struggles so hard with the battle between gratification and the path less decadent....

My adoration of food goes far beyond the conventional, straight into all out stalking obsession with it. You ever seen a person stalk a french fry ? Hang out with me sometime.

What's that you say ? Do I realize I'm simply trying to use food to fill a void in my life, that somewhere deep in my soul I'm a food-aholic? Yep. I'm not in denial, my thighs exploding from a size 6 to a 12 hardly leave room for breathing let alone trying to hide the truth.

Compounding the problem? I'm lazy. Maybe it's the extra weight that keeps me so tired, or the depression from when I neatly packed up my self esteem and left it in a Taco Bell. Either way I have the motivation of million year old glacier. It seems the more I try to tell myself I can't eat that crap, the more I want it, until I find myself waking up in the night with the taste of chocolate doughnuts still on my tongue swatting at the sugar plum fairies swirling my head.

So here I go again, I'm eating better-ish and since I'm back in the office I've joined the gym to start working out. It's not like I'm huge, I'm an average sized girl, and I'm totally ok with the fact that I'm never going to be Paris Hilton (vomit) but I don't feel healthy, I have no energy anymore, and it would be nice to wear something besides a tshirt and board shorts to swim in.

I'm lucky enough to have a gf who could care less about my weight, in fact, I think she likes me a little chunky since my chest overfloweth. Victoria can't even keep those things secret anymore. But I would like to be able to fit into my old work clothes again, and keep up with my daughter who can just about out run me (in my defense it's not all weight, I run like a baby giraffe with a gimp leg too) and most of all I'm tired of being tired.

So raise a cup of V-8 and lets toast to me trying to get on the healthy bandwagon and not fall off every time it passes a Taco Bell.